Cry more motherfucker – stop suing review sites and work on your business.

Posted Tuesday, August 13, 2013

It’s obvious for anyone who follows my posts that I am not a fan of Yelp! “elite” culture. I don’t subscribe to the idea of armchair connoisseurs who self-appoint themselves to the position of judge, jury, & executioner of local businesses.

At the same time, my heart pumps piss for the crybabies who blame online reviews for their business failing.  This article is such a bunch of sorry horseshit from business owners who suck at what they do.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/08/02/the-dark-side-of-internet-freedom-how-bogus-online-reviews-can-sink-small-a-business/

People who subscribe to this don’t understand technology and don’t understand customer service.

We all deal with the same pool of assholes. The assholes who leave bad reviews because you won’t do shit for free will spread their disease EVERYWHERE. Do you really think there is only one asshole in town, and that this one asshole will ONLY visit YOUR business? Are you so far off the deep end that you are deluded by your sob story that everyone is out to get you, and only you?

I have asshole customers who post BS reviews. So does Dr Brendan, so does LaptopMD, so does L2 Computer, so does BnyTech. Every local business has to deal with the same pool of assholes because the same pool of assholes will come to all of us. We all get slandered by nonsense. It’s on all of our review pages. As a result, it’s not going to be a deciding factor for most people. All of our businesses have 1 or 2 or 3 miserable reviews from people who conjured up everything they wrote. Maybe they were pissed off that we didn’t kneel down and suck, after fixing their laptop for free; who knows?

Customers who are discerning enough to do online research & read reviews are not idiots. Start thinking better of your client base. Remember how your 1st grade teacher could tell when one person did everyone’s book report? Yelpers are the same way. If the same review is posted by the same person 3 times with two or three words swapped around on the same fucking day, readers will tell and see it for the bullshit it is.

Business owners who want good reviews need to get off their fucking asses and earn them. You want your reviews to change? Start impressing people. Start doing more than saying it’ll be done in one week for $300. Go above and beyond. Break your back enough that content customers become HAPPY customers. I am so tired of hearing business owners say “but that’s not fair to us” or “it would be a nightmare to offer X in Y timeframe.” Fine, keep thinking like that. I’ll keep breaking my back doing work that “isn’t fair” to my time, or where I may actually risk working five minutes outside what I billed the client for, to bolster my reputation.

Google us – it seems to be working.

You think you’re making someone happy. You’re not, you’re making them content. People who are HAPPY will actually put off watching a Seinfeld rerun to sit there for 5 minutes verifying their new Yelp! account to rave about how awesome you are. People who are content will go “OMG, THANK YOU!”, then forget about you the second they leave.

And don’t stand there and tell me you’ve been doing that. Don’t tell me you’ve been in business for five years and can’t bum one good fucking review. Seriously? Come up with some promotion or some service that will make people happy enough to leave reviews.

Every dime you spend on an attorney, every second you spend in court; a waste. This is time & money that you could put into improving your business, and you’re spending it crying to your mother. I could give a fuck less when I get a bogus bad review, because I understand a reality of social media. If it’s not the norm, it’ll be buried under the truth in no time. I don’t put time & effort into suing the douche who made some shit up. I put time & effort into impressing every last person who walks into my business so that the negative sinks to the bottom. If I am doing my job right, that’s where the negative belongs.

I curse at people on a daily basis. I’m not cheap. I wear a t-shirt to work, and somehow, maintain an amazing online reputation(at the time of this writing, at least). My point is not to brag with this statement. Rather, I want to get across the point that if I can do it, so can you. Put down the lawsuit and take charge of your business.